Empower kids to thrive in a world of social comparison and counter its toxic effects with actionable steps. Break free from the comparison trap.
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Keeping up with the Joneses!
Let’s be honest – it’s something we’ve all been guilty of at some stage or another – peeping over the proverbial fence to see what others are doing, earning, buying, wearing, eating, or achieving, and then deciding how we measure up!
Psychologists call this behaviour social comparison, and it’s a natural process we all engage in. It’s also something our kids gravitate towards too – yes, there are junior Joneses!
Sometimes it makes us feel good, but more often than not it leaves us feeling unhappy.
So, why do we do it? Well, the reason (according to Festinger’s Social Comparison theory), is to evaluate ourselves and find out how we are faring. Through comparison we learn more about ourselves as we assess things such as our abilities, attributes, and achievements in comparison to those of friends and colleagues.
It has a good side in that it can provide valuable insights and motivation for us.
Unfortunately, though, (just like that galaxy far, far away) social comparison also has a dark side.
Yes, research shows those with a tendency to compare are more likely to experience destructive emotions, such as, low self-esteem, depression, jealousy, and guilt. They are also more likely to engage in negative behaviours such as lying, cheating, and blaming others.
If your child spends a lot of time thinking about how they measure up, it can unfortunately impact their mental health. Thankfully, neuroscience has a lot to teach us about how to counter this dark side though. So, let’s jump in and look at how we can teach our children to use social comparison in a positive way that brings great benefits (no light-sabers required!).
To begin with, let’s look at how social comparison impacts children at different ages.
How does social comparison affect childhood?
There’s a magical stage in every child’s life when they are completely free from the effects of comparison. Somewhere before the age of three, they are utterly un-selfconscious (is that even a word? You know what I mean). They believe they are brilliant at everything they do, because their self-perception is not influenced by comparison to others. They think they are the fastest egg-and-spoon runner – even if they keep coming last in every race or will be the next X Factor winner – even if their singing is worse than the pet dog accompanying them.
Sadly though, this phase of innocence comes to an end. At around the age of 4, for instance, girls may suddenly become more aware of their appearance. My little granddaughter, woke up one morning and decided her brown hair needed to be ‘yellow’ – why? – because her favourite Disney Princess, of the moment, was the platinum blonde Elsa. And it’s with something as innocuous as this – that social comparison starts to wield its control.
By the age of 7, children are becoming more attuned to the differences between themselves and their peers. They can now discern things such as – who is in the top reading or spelling groups, who wins on sports day, and who is popular, good-looking, or funny. They then use this as the yardstick to judge whether they are ‘cool’ or a flunk.
By teenage years, social comparison is a full-speed-ahead, rampant frenzy. Kids are caught up in the world of fads, FOMO’s, fashion, music trends, dating forays and school grades. And as if all that isn’t bad enough – puberty causes a whole new minefield to navigate, in terms of bodily changes and mood swings. And then of course, there’s social media – reaching deeper into the cauldron to whip things up even more.
At each of these stages, social comparison seeps into our children’s thoughts and emotions, influencing their self-perception and confidence. They may find themselves questioning their abilities, talents, and appearance, and constantly measuring themselves against others. This newfound awareness can sometimes lead to feelings of insecurity, self-doubt, and a diminished sense of self-worth, which in turn creates feelings of anxiety and depression.
Constantly comparing themselves to others, may lead to children focusing only on their shortcomings and feeling discouraged by the accomplishments of their peers.
Does this sound familiar? If so, here’s 7 ways to help them counter these problems.
1) Teach children to be aware of social comparison
Social comparison is the stealth weapon of human behaviour. That’s because it’s something we do both automatically and subconsciously. This means much of the time we aren’t even aware it’s happening. And if we aren’t aware it’s happening, we have no control over it, or the bomb it drops (all those awful reactions like feeling inadequate, inferior or dissatisfied!)
So, although it seems almost too simple to be effective, making children aware of the concept of social comparison is a really important start.
By helping our children and teens understand what social comparison is and recognise when it’s happening, we bring it into their conscious minds. This then gives them control over it and its effects.
If you notice your child feeling deflated or inadequate, especially around someone else’s success – take time to talk to them about this. Explain the concept of social comparison and ask them questions, such as how it is making them feel.
Help them to understand that social comparison isn’t necessarily a good or a bad thing, in and of itself. But when it leads to destructive thoughts and emotions, increases our stress, or steals our happiness, then we need to learn how to handle it differently and use it for our good.
So how do we use it for our good?
Well, the next step is by helping our children to set realistic comparisons.
2) Teach children to set realistic social comparisons
Teaching children to set realistic comparisons, helps protect them from the negative effects of social comparison.
There are two types of social comparison – upward and downward.
- In upward social comparison, we compare ourselves to others who are better than us. We should be using this sort of comparison, not to make ourselves feel inferior or worse, but rather to motivate ourselves to strive for more. We can look for traits and methods in these people to encourage us to improve, trusting that skills and talents, can all be developed through hard work and dedication, as is taught in the growth mindset.
- In downward social comparison we compare ourselves to others who are worse than us. These comparisons are often done to make us feel better about ourselves. They are useful if being used to help us recognise we are improving, but harmful if we start to put others down in order to make ourselves feel better. They can help improve our self-belief- that’s why they say it’s better to be a big fish in a small pond, rather than vice versa.
Ineffective comparison, however, happens when we aren’t realistic. So, if we choose role models who are too far above our level, this may make us feel discouraged and think we could never achieve their success, especially if we haven’t taken into consideration the hours of practice and effort they have put in, or how bad they most likely were at the outset.
Likewise, in choosing role models who are well below our level, we may think we are doing great, which is fine right up until the point we enter a room of experts.
So, encourage your children to make wise comparisons and use them positively.
In addition to choosing realistic comparisons though, encourage them to focus on their individual progress.
3) Encourage children to focus on individual progress
Emphasizing individual progress, rather than direct competition with others, helps children focus on their own personal development.
By judging their own past performances, thinking about ways they might improve, and then setting realistic goals, children will gain a sense of achievement and enjoyment in their activities.
So, a child who feels deflated because they aren’t doing well in athletics, will start to gain some sense of enjoyment if they focus on their own personal best, and try to beat this.
Helping children understand they can improve and develop through effort and practice, forms the basis of the growth mindset. Teaching them that setbacks and challenges are opportunities for learning and growth, rather than signs of failure or inferiority, gives them motivation and a reason to hang in there and keep trying and improving.
And for goodness’ sake, encourage children to explore their passions and interests, regardless of how good (or bad) they are at them. Self-worth and enjoyment of an activity should not be determined by how successful they are. Just think how many things you may love doing but might be terrible at!
4) Surround children with unconditional love
One of the greatest gifts we can give our children, is unconditional love.
Unconditional love from parents serves as a powerful shield against the detrimental effects of social comparison.
When children experience genuine and unwavering love from their parents, they develop a strong sense of self-worth and self-acceptance – they feel secure in and of themselves. This internalized love acts as a buffer, enabling them to resist the pressures of comparing themselves to others.
With unconditional love, children feel secure in their parents’ affection, regardless of their achievements or shortcomings. As a result, they are less likely to seek validation from external accomplishments or the approval of peers. Instead, they learn to focus on their personal growth and development, embracing their unique qualities and strengths.
An environment free of judgement and criticism allows them to flourish and excel, in a safe space, free from external influences.
5) Celebrate their strengths but help them to understand they won’t be good at everything
Helping children to embrace their own individuality, is another powerful way to avoid the pitfalls of social comparison.
Heaven knows, our kids possess a diverse range of strengths and weaknesses that make them beautifully unique. It’s crucial to celebrate with them in their successes, as this boosts their self-esteem, but it’s also important to help them recognize they won’t be good at everything.
Understanding this, releases them to celebrate the successes of their peers free from jealousy, or the need to lie and cheat in an effort to keep up and look good.
Teaching them to appreciate and celebrate their own achievements, while also recognizing and respecting the accomplishments of others, can create a positive atmosphere and teach them to tap into the incredible power of teamwork and synergy. In encouraging our children to appreciate the diverse talents and positive qualities that each person brings to the table, they learn that these differences should be celebrated rather than compared.
No-one sums this up better than Einstein, who reputedly once said, “Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.
Dr Albert Einstein (reputedly)
We all have different strengths and weaknesses, and we need to learn to play to these.
6) Teach children to help others
Helping others gives us a purpose and fulfillment, far beyond personal accomplishments.
When we create opportunity for our children to serve, we help them to understand this. They will then become less concerned with how they are measuring up or with status, as they look to the needs of others.
Being of service to others can also boost self-confidence and self-esteem. As we witness the positive impact we have on others, we develop a stronger sense of self-worth independent of how we compare to others.
When we surround ourselves with individuals who uplift and encourage one another, there is less room for unhealthy competition. Instead, we build a community based on mutual growth and empowerment.
It also shifts our focus away from comparing ourselves and fosters a sense of gratitude, empathy, and purpose. Through acts of kindness, we build self-confidence, strengthen our connections with others, and create an environment that discourages negative social comparison.
So, encourage children to help siblings with homework, hold doors open for adults, or write thank you notes for gifts.
7) Teach them how to make healthy friendship choices
Teaching children how to surround themselves with supportive and understanding friends, is another key element in countering the negative effects of social comparison.
When they have friends who are positive towards them, children develop better self-esteem and self-acceptance. They are less likely to internalize negative comparisons or feel pressured to conform to unrealistic standards set by judgmental peers.
Help them to recognize frenemies! Guide them to discern those other children who on the surface seem to be their friends, but in reality, suck the self-esteem out of them with their constant put-downs and criticisms.
A good way to guide them in these decisions, is by teaching them to listen to their feelings when they are around people. Those who make them feel bad or inferior are best avoided, while friendships that promote empathy and kindness should be prioritized, as these are the relationships that will help children learn to appreciate their individuality and unique qualities.
As a result, they gain the confidence to resist the allure of social comparison and embrace their authentic selves, fostering genuine connections with others.
Okay, we’ve covered a lot here, so let’s round up our key points.
Closing thoughts on empowering kids to overcome the toxic side of social comparison
In a world fueled by comparison, safeguarding our children’s well-being is imperative. As caregivers and mentors, we possess the remarkable ability to guide them towards a healthier relationship with social comparison.
In doing so, we pave the way for a generation that embraces their individuality, values their own journey, and thrives in a world where their self-esteem shines brighter than the glare of social comparison.
Sum up
Here’s a summary of the 7 steps to help kids counter the toxic side of social comparison:
1 Teach them to be aware of social comparison – Social comparison operates subtly, often unconsciously, and so triggers uncontrollable negative reactions. Educating children about it, however, empowers them to recognize, manage, and channel its impact positively.
2 Teach them to set realistic comparisons – Teaching children to make realistic social comparisons safeguards them from negative impacts. Upwards comparisons should be used to motivate growth and skill development and not be set so high it discourages. Downward comparisons should be used to boost self-esteem.
3 Encourage them to focus on individual progress – Focusing on personal development rather than direct competition helps children gain a sense of achievement and enjoyment in their activities.
4 Surround them with unconditional love – Providing children with unconditional love fosters self-worth and resilience. It empowers them to resist external pressures and to thrive in a non-judgmental environment.
5 Celebrate their strengths but help them to understand they won’t be good at everything – Helping our children understand they have their own unique skill set of strengths and weaknesses allows them to celebrate their successes, boosting self-esteem, while also having realistic expectations around the things they aren’t so good at.
6 Teach them to help others – this helps children realize that having a sense of purpose and fulfillment is far more valuable than how we measure up against others.
7 Teach them to make healthy friendship choices – helping children learn how to identify and prioritize true friends and steer clear of those who undermine their confidence, will allow them to recognize their own self-worth.
