Feeling exhausted by sibling conflict? Discover the ‘Divide and Choose’ method – a simple and fair solution that teaches kids cooperation, fairness, and problem-solving.
‘IT’S NOT FAIR!’ – The three simple words that shatter the peace, jar on your nerves, and generally herald the outbreak of a sibling squabble on the scale of world war 3!
Sibling rivalry! It’s part of growing up together – but for parents, it can be exhausting. Whether it’s a battle over the last cookie, who had the blue crayon first, or which sibling gets more space on the couch, these conflicts often feel endless.
As a parent, you want peace in the home — but you also want your children to learn conflict resolution skills that will serve them for life.
Enter the “Divide and Choose” method.
Also known as the ‘I cut, you choose’ method, it’s a tactic I first learned from a Methodist Minister’s wife. (She probably needed it more than most- she was the mother of twin boys!) But it’s not something new. It dates back thousands of years and it’s even been used in politics to settle disputes over land and food.
But when it’s used with children, I love how this ancient method brings key play therapy principles to life. That’s because it turns everyday conflicts into playful learning opportunities. Instead of swooping in as referee, you give children a simple, hands-on method that empowers them to solve disagreements themselves.
And this simple technique does way more than just fix the row in the moment. It helps children learn fairness, cooperation, and problem-solving in a way they can easily understand. That’s because it puts the power in their hands—literally!
Ready to see how a simple slice of cake can teach big life lessons?
Here’s what we’ll learn…
Handling Sibling Conflict With The ‘Divide and Choose’ Method
- What Is the “Divide and Choose” Method (and How It Works for Kids)
- Step-by-Step: Teaching the “I Cut, You Choose” Method
- Why the “Divide and Choose” Method Works for Sibling Conflict
- How the “I Cut, You Choose” Method Ties in with Play Therapy Principles
- Best Times to Use the “I Cut, You Choose” Method with Kids
- Closing Thoughts: Using the “Divide and Choose” Method for Sibling Conflict
What Is the “Divide and Choose” Method (and How It Works for Kids)
The idea behind the “I cut, you choose” method is simple: one child gets to divide the desired item (whether it’s a treat, household chores or time for an activity) into two parts, and the other child gets to choose which part they want. It may sound like a small thing, but it’s a big lesson in fairness and cooperation.
While it won’t solve every sibling conflict, it works best for things that can be divided — like a slice of cake, toys, or space to play.
(Curious about where this idea comes from? You can read more about its origins the “I Cut, You Choose” method, here.)
Step-by-Step: Teaching the “I Cut, You Choose” Method
Here’s how to teach the ‘Divide and Choose’ method .
- Step 1: Identify the conflict
Let’s say your children are fighting over the last piece of cake. Instead of stepping in and making the decision for them, ask one child to cut the cake into two pieces. - Step 2: Let the other child choose
The second child then gets to pick which piece they want. This automatically encourages the child who is cutting to be as fair as possible. That’s because they know if they make one piece significantly bigger, they won’t get it! - Step 3: Celebrate the resolution
Once both children have their share, make sure to recognize their efforts in resolving the conflict. Praising their teamwork reinforces the positive behavior and encourages them to use the method again in the future.
(Love this tip? You’ll love my list of 21 play therapy techniques parents can use right away.)
Why the “Divide and Choose” Method Works for Sibling Conflict
This method teaches a valuable life lesson: fairness often requires us to think about the other person’s perspective.
Fairness often requires us to think about the other person’s perspective.
By giving one child the power to divide and the other the power to choose, both kids have a stake in ensuring the process is fair. It also helps them realize that resolving sibling conflict doesn’t have to be a win-lose situation; they can find solutions where both parties feel satisfied.
Here’s why it works so well:
- Empowers kids to solve their own problems
Instead of constantly intervening, this method gives your children the tools they need to resolve disagreements and sibling conflict themselves. This sense of ownership builds confidence. They’ll soon learn they don’t always need an adult to referee every fight. - Promotes fairness and equality
When one child cuts and the other chooses, each has to consider the other’s viewpoint. This helps kids understand fairness isn’t just about “me,” but also about how someone else feels. They learn that if they’re not fair, they lose out. - Builds negotiation and compromise skills
This system is experiential and even a little fun. It’s way more effective than a lecture on sharing and through it you gift them a playful framework they can use again and again in real-life situations. Over time, kids learn how to negotiate without needing to go through the full “cut and choose” process every time. - Strengthens emotional regulation & problem-solving
In the heat of sibling conflict, this playful framework gives kids a way to pause, calm down, think it through, and reach a solution safely. They’re practicing emotional control and problem-solving in real time. Over time, this strengthens their ability to manage frustration and disagreements without adult intervention.
Beyond being a clever way to stop a squabble in its tracks, this method also reflects some of the core principles of play therapy.
How the “I Cut, You Choose” Method Ties in with Play Therapy Principles
Play therapy emphasizes emotional learning through hands-on, playful experiences. The “I Cut, You Choose” technique gives children a safe space to practice:
- Child empowerment – Kids gain real ownership in the conflict resolution process. This simple tool respects their ability to solve problems and discover solutions on their own.
- Perspective-taking – They actively consider how their sibling will feel, which is key for empathy development.
- Playful skill-building – The method is interactive and game-like, reinforcing social and problem-solving skills through experience rather than instruction.
- Emotional regulation – Children practice noticing their feelings, pausing, and making thoughtful choices within a structured, low-stress framework.
In other words, “I Cut, You Choose” isn’t just about dividing cake or Lego — it’s a playful, therapeutic tool that helps children develop the social and emotional muscles they’ll need for life.
Best Times to Use the “I Cut, You Choose” Method with Kids
The “I Cut, You Choose” technique works best when the sibling conflict involves something that can be split or shared. Things like food, time, or toys. However, for more complex conflicts (like arguments over who started a fight), I’m afraid you’ll need to find other conflict resolution techniques.
Also, this method is most effective when both children understand the rules and feel that the process is fair. If your children are very young or new to the I Cut You Choose method, you may need to model it for them a few times or guide them through the process. For instance, you can say, “Let’s see how you can make this fair so everyone feels good about the solution.”
A Few Pro Tips
- Encourage mindfulness
Before your children jump into cutting and choosing, encourage them to pause for a moment and think about what they’re doing. A quick “How can we make this fair?” or “How can we solve this sibling conflict together?” can help shift their focus to cooperation. - Praise the process, not just the result
Acknowledge their effort to resolve the conflict, even if the pieces aren’t perfectly equal or if someone’s feelings are still a bit tender afterward. “Great job working together to figure that out!” goes a long way in reinforcing the behavior you want to see. - Adapt as needed
While “I Cut, You Choose” works wonders for dividing things, not every conflict can be neatly sliced in half. When it’s more about feelings or fairness in other ways, you might need to use a blend of this method and other tools, like taking turns or having a family meeting to talk things out.
Closing Thoughts: Using the “Divide and Choose” Method for Sibling Conflict
Sibling conflict will always pop up — it’s part of the crazy-beautiful mess of family life. But with playful tools like “Divide and Choose,” parents can transform squabbles into opportunities for growth.
This simple method doesn’t just divide pizza or toys; it helps children practice fairness, problem-solving, and self-regulation in a way they can actually grasp — through action, not lectures.
Next time you hear “It’s not fair!” echoing through your home, try out this method. You might just be surprised at how quickly it can turn sibling rivalry into sibling cooperation – it literally is a piece of cake!
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