‘IT’S NOT FAIR!’ – The three simple words that shatter the peace, jar on your nerves, and generally herald the outbreak of sibling conflict.
Yes, siblings fighting—every parent knows the drill (except, of course, for those with only one child!) Whether it’s a fight over the last cookie, which game to play, or who has the most juice in their cup, sibling rivalry is one of the inevitable parts of family life. But that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. As a parent, you want peace in the home, but you also want to teach your children conflict resolution skills that will serve them for life.
Enter the “I Cut, You Choose“ method. It’s an ingenious hack I first learned from a Methodist Minister’s wife and mother of twin boys!
Now while it won’t solve every sort of sibling conflict, it goes a long way towards sorting out rows over anything that’s desirable and easily divided such as the last piece of pizza, toys like Lego or building blocks, or how much space there is to play.
But the simple, yet powerful technique really comes into its own, in its ability to encourage fairness, cooperation, and problem-solving in a way children can easily understand and apply. It’s a playful way to teach kids to handle sibling conflict that puts the power in their hands—literally!
What Is the “I Cut, You Choose” Method?
The idea behind the “I cut, you choose” method is simple: one child gets to divide the desired item (whether it’s a treat, household chores or time for an activity) into two parts, and the other child gets to choose which part they want. It may sound like a small thing, but it’s a big lesson in fairness and cooperation.
How to teach the “I cut, you choose” method:
Here’s how to teach the “I cut, you choose” method.
- Step 1: Identify the conflict
Let’s say your children are fighting over the last piece of cake. Instead of stepping in and making the decision for them, ask one child to cut the cake into two pieces. - Step 2: Let the other child choose
The second child then gets to pick which piece they want. This automatically encourages the child who is cutting to be as fair as possible. That’s because they know if they make one piece significantly bigger, they won’t get it! - Step 3: Celebrate the resolution
Once both children have their share, make sure to recognize their efforts in resolving the conflict. Praising their teamwork reinforces the positive behavior and encourages them to use the method again in the future.
Why Is This So Effective in Helping Teach Kids To Handle Sibling Conflict?
This method teaches a valuable life lesson: fairness often requires us to think about the other person’s perspective. By giving one child the power to divide and the other the power to choose, both kids have a stake in ensuring the process is fair. It also helps them realize that resolving sibling conflict doesn’t have to be a win-lose situation; they can find solutions where both parties feel satisfied.
Here are a few other reasons why the “I Cut, You Choose” method works so well:
- Empowers kids to solve their own problems
Instead of constantly intervening, this method gives your children the tools they need to navigate disagreements and sibling conflict themselves. They’ll learn that they don’t always need an adult to referee every fight. - Promotes fairness and equality
Children understand that if they’re not fair, they lose out. It’s a built-in way of teaching them that fairness benefits everyone. - Builds negotiation and compromise skills
Over time, your kids will learn how to negotiate with each other without needing to go through the “I Cut, You Choose” process every time. They’ll develop a deeper understanding of give and take.
When to Use the “I Cut, You Choose” Method
The “I Cut, You Choose” technique works best when the sibling conflict involves something that can be split or shared. Things like food, time, or toys. However, for more complex conflicts (like arguments over who started a fight), I’m afraid you’ll need to find other conflict resolution techniques.
Also, this method is most effective when both children understand the rules and feel that the process is fair. If your children are very young or new to the I Cut You Choose method, you may need to model it for them a few times or guide them through the process. For instance, you can say, “Let’s see how you can make this fair so everyone feels good about the solution.”
A Few Pro Tips
- Encourage mindfulness
Before your children jump into cutting and choosing, encourage them to pause for a moment and think about what they’re doing. A quick “How can we make this fair?” or “How can we solve this sibling conflict together?” can help shift their focus to cooperation. - Praise the process, not just the result
Acknowledge their effort to resolve the conflict, even if the pieces aren’t perfectly equal or if someone’s feelings are still a bit tender afterward. “Great job working together to figure that out!” goes a long way in reinforcing the behavior you want to see. - Adapt as needed
While “I Cut, You Choose” works wonders for dividing things, not every conflict can be neatly sliced in half. When it’s more about feelings or fairness in other ways, you might need to use a blend of this method and other tools, like taking turns or having a family meeting to talk things out.
Closing thoughts on Sibling Conflict and The I Cut You Choose Method
Sibling conflict is going to happen—it’s part of growing up together. But as parents, we can teach kids to handle sibling conflict and offer them tools to manage their disagreements in a way that feels fair and empowering. The “I Cut, You Choose” method is a simple, effective way to teach kids about fairness, cooperation, and problem-solving. Not only will this technique help reduce the amount of bickering you have to referee, but it will also build valuable life skills that your children will carry with them long after the last piece of cake has been eaten.
Next time you hear “It’s not fair!” echoing through your home, try out this method. You might just be surprised at how quickly it can turn sibling rivalry into sibling cooperation – it literally is a piece of cake!
