Unlock the best secrets from neuroscience to get through to kids who won’t listen. Learn Erickson’s top trick to get good advice past their closed ears!
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Life can be a rough ride!
Disappointment, worry and difficulties are all part and parcel of being human and sadly our children are not exempt.
They too face all sorts of hurdles and conundrums and it’s our natural instinct to step in and give them advice. We want to guide them through these things and we hate to see them distressed. We feel if only they would listen to us, it would save them a lot of heartache and stress.
After all – we learned things the hard way, so they don’t have to!
We learned things the hard way so they don’t have to!
So as they approach the 4×4 adventure truck of life’s road trip, we give them our best pearls of wisdom (the ones accumulated from years of strife and now matured into a fine wine). We throw in a few anecdotal stories that start something like – “You know, when I was your age…”. And finally, as the icing on the cake, we finish with a nice, witty saying. Something like “click it, or ticket,” because who doesn’t learn from a good old proverb?
Then, with a nice satisfied feeling of a job well done, we dust off our hands and stand back. Only to look round a few seconds later, horrified, to see them bombing the wrong way up a one way street with Blitzkrieg Bop blasting from the stereo!
Just how do you get through to kids who won’t listen?
Arrrrrgh!
It’s frustrating!
But before you get too annoyed, let’s think about you (Yes, I’m taking about you now!)
Are kids the only ones at fault?
I sense from your slowly dawning discomfort, you know where this is going. So, seriously- how did you learn your biggest life-lessons? Was it from the good advice your parents gave you, or was it from your own mistakes? Yes exactly- (I suspect you’re now hanging your head and nodding to the latter).
And I haven’t finished with you yet – for what about your loving, thoughtful partner (if you’re blessed enough to have one at present). Do you always faithfully take their good advice? – Exactly my point!
You see, there just seems to be something in our nature, regardless of whether we are adult or child, that is hard wired to reject good advice. And especially when it’s from our nearest and dearest!
So, why is it we find guidance like this, so difficult to accept? Even when we know it makes sense? Even when we know it’s for our own good?
Well it turns out, American psychiatrist, Milton Erickson had the answer.
The psychology behind our tendency to reject good advice
Erickson said the reason we reject good advice, is because, simply put – our conscious brain doesn’t like it!
It perceives it as a direct suggestion. Or even worse, a command – which it then assesses and finds a good excuse to refuse straight away. For some reason, our logical brain doesn’t like the idea of being told what to do. It doesn’t like being bossed about! (Can you blame it, really?) It will therefore come up with any excuse it can to resist good advice.
So, we might say to a child – ‘have confidence in yourself, you can do it’. But this statement is immediately forwarded to the conscious brain department for scrutiny. It’s then returned with a fail stamp and an answer such as, ‘why should I? I couldn’t do it last time’. This can be a key factor for kids who won’t listen.
Luckily, though, Erickson also found a work around.
Erickson’s secret work around to get people to accept good advice
Erickson recognized, that while the conscious mind is smart enough to reject direct suggestion, it can easily be hoodwinked with indirect suggestion. It seems to be more slow-witted when it comes to indirect suggestion. In fact, it often fails to recognize it as a suggestion at all.
So, in this way, Erickson used indirect suggestion to slip past the watch towers of the conscious brain. And along with it, the good advice that would help his clients.
So how did he sneak his Trojan horses of good guidance in?
Erickson was a grand-master at this! On the surface, he would have what seemed to be pleasant conversations with his clients. He would tell them amusing anecdotes and interesting stories to the point they would almost forget they were in a therapy session at all.
The stories seemed to bear no relation whatsoever to their presenting issues, (hence why they sidestepped the old sentry guard of the conscious brain). But here’s the clever bit – they were packed full of metaphorical relevance to the client’s issue (hence why the good advice also got through, and often in a high enough dose to alter the problematic behavior).
He called these stories teaching tales, and through elements of astonishment or confusion, questions, puns and comedy, they helped people to re-frame the way they viewed their situations. In the book, My Voice Will Go with You: The Teaching Tales of Milton H. Erickson, Sidney Rosen has collected over one hundred of these magnificent tales.
The good news is, you don’t need to be a therapist to tap into some of Erickson’s techniques with your child. Here’s four things we can learn from his approach.
These might, just might, (fingers crossed) help you to get through to kids who won’t listen!
Let’s check it out.
Four tips from neuroscience to help you get through to kids who won’t listen
1 Utilize the power of transportation to get through to kids who won’t listen
This step involves a transporter device. But if you’re now thinking, ‘Beam me up Scotty,’ I should warn you – it’s not the Star Trek type.
Neurologically, though, it’s every bit as amazing! It’s called narrative transportation and it’s a powerful way to get through to kids who won’t listen.
You’ve most likely experienced it before. You know that point in a brilliant book, or movie, where your brain gets ‘beamed up’ from reality? That point where you find yourself completely immersed in the story world? – Well, that’s it.
Even though your brain knows that what you are engaged in is fictional, it nonetheless connects emotionally with the main characters. You synchronize to the point where their feelings become your feelings. You can physically feel their emotions in your body! Your palms sweat as Frodo battles the terrors of Mordor. Your heart breaks when Jenny dies in Forest Gump – (and as the credits roll, you’re too embarrassed to leave the cinema, because you don’t want everyone to know you’ve been crying.)
Here’s the crux though – this is such a powerful state, that we become more susceptible to changes in our thinking.
Paul J Zak, carried out research which showed that compelling narratives have the power to affect our attitudes, beliefs and behaviors.
Before this research was ever carried out though, Erickson had intuitively recognized this. He knew we are a storytelling species and stories are powerful agents in helping people change.
If you feel that telling your child a story seems too simple to be true, you’re not alone.
I always thought a story was, well, just a story – something for entertainment value and a pleasant part of the bedtime ritual. If someone had told me, tell your child a story to help with their problems – I would have laughed! But now as a play therapist, I realize how powerful these narratives can be in reaching the subconscious mind and helping children understand and find resolution to their problems.
But now as a play therapist, I realize how powerful these narratives can be in reaching the subconscious mind and helping children understand and find resolution to their problems.
Therapeutic stories, or teaching tales as Erickson called them, allow children to explore problems which they may feel too difficult to express, from a safe metaphorical distance. They help them to take on board insights about life and to see things from a different perspective. This re-framing of problems opens up the possibility of finding ways of solving it.
So, the key is to look out for short stories, books, and even movies. These will help your child address their unique issues.
For example, the fable about the contest between the sun and the wind, can help children recognize overbearing or bossy behavior. Or read the Ugly Duckling to help children who feel they don’t fit in.
The stories don’t need to be lengthy, but it is important to use something the child finds deeply engaging. If it can tie in with their interests so much the better. If the story does not resonate with the child’s personal experiences or emotions, it may not capture their attention or provide meaningful insights.
And if you can’t seem to find the right thing – you could always try writing your own therapeutic story.
Here’s the amazing bit though. The story doesn’t even necessarily need to give step by step details of exactly what to do to resolve problems or find solutions. Here’s why…
2 Trust your child to find their own solutions
Have you ever considered how amazing it is that when skin gets cut, or we break a bone, our body has the ability to heal itself. In a similar way, Erickson believed that our subconscious mind has all the necessary resources to help us find our own emotional healing and answers in our struggles.
While Freud believed that our subconscious was a foreboding underworld full of unresolved angst and dark urges, Erickson on the other hand viewed it much more positively. He felt it to be a treasure house of strength and wisdom. You just needed to find the key to unlock it (something which he seemed to have an outstanding knack for).
While Freud tried to ‘fix’ each of his patients, Erickson empowered them to find their own answers and healing. For this reason, he didn’t view it as his job to diagnose client’s problems or tell them how to change. Rather, he would work with them to find their own path to resolution.
Of course, he didn’t word it quite like that. He explained it in his own mesmerizing and unorthodox way, like this… There once was a horse that wandered into his family’s yard, he said. He wanted to return it but didn’t know who its owner was. So he got onto its back and let it walk. A few times it tried to go into a field or stop to graze. But Erickson intervened only to keep it on the road.
After a while it walked into a yard and the farmer, recognizing his horse, rushed over to claim it. Delighted it had been returned safely, he asked Erickson – how did you know where to bring it? “I didn’t,” Erickson replied, “but the horse knew. All I did was to keep him on the road.”
Erickson simply steered his clients to find their own solutions – to find their own way home. This was because he recognized a person’s behavior would only change if they felt they actually ‘owned’ the adjustment. This form of change is much more powerful than pleading, advising, bribing, and coercing.
So it’s a bit like laying the dots out for your child, but then standing back to let them, join them up. Feed them lots of material, rich in relation to their individual struggles. But then sit back and let their subconscious go to work re-framing and seeking solutions.
Finding good material to work with is vital, so the next tip is very important.
3 Ensure you’re “keepin’ it real” – to get through to kids who won’t listen
Children aren’t stupid, so it’s important to make sure the stories you choose aren’t too obvious, in order to get through to kids who won’t listen! Our kids, although young, have an amazing ability to see though things that are contrived.
So it’s best to avoid anything that’s too patronizing. You may find children don’t respond as well to things that are written specifically to help educate them, about their particular issue. Search instead for stories written simply to tell a story and entertain- but that draw naturally from the depths of human experience. Then tap into the full spectrum of the struggle, joys and sorrows found there, that relate to your child’s struggle.
For instance, dealing with toxic people is something we all struggle with from time to time. But our kids will probably be more inspired to find solutions as they read about Harry Potter facing the classic school bully Draco Malfoy, than they would from a book with a slightly patronizing or unsubtle title that goes something like – ‘Billy and the bully’. A title like this instantly sends their alarm bells ringing. It suggests to kids it’s contrived and targeted at them to give advice. The red flag for direct suggestion pings up.
Movies, books and therapeutic stories aren’t the only way to get through to kids who won’t listen, though. There are other even shorter methods…
4 Tap into the power of premeditated metaphors to get through to kids who won’t listen
This method involves using ‘casual’ conversation with our kids (but as Woody says to Buster in Toy Story 2 – “not that casual!”). What I’m trying to say, is that we want our children to think it’s just a regular conversation, when actually behind the scenes, we’ve put in some planning. We have taken time to think about, and introduce, carefully chosen metaphors that might help address their problems.
Looking once again to Erickson’s example, here’s how he did it – he once had a client who came to him for help with an addiction. The man who was a heavy drinker, felt he was a lost cause. To his surprise though, in his session with Erickson, he found instead of addressing his problems Erickson talked to him about the local botanical gardens. He even recommended he go and visit and in particular, sit for a while pondering the cactus plants which, he noted, “could go for three years without water and not die”.
It sounds too simple to be true, but something in this exercise helped re-frame the man’s thinking. We know this, because several years later the man’s daughter got in touch with Erickson to report that since the ‘cactus therapy,’ both her father and her mother (who also struggled) had remained sober.
Erickson used the power of metaphor with this client. Neuroscience shows that our brains love metaphors! They cause diverse areas of the brain to all light up at once, and start firing together in new and unique patterns. This allows us to process things more unconventionally, which boosts creativity and helps us find solutions.
There are lots of places to find good metaphors. Go for a walk and weave nature’s lessons into metaphorical messages. Have you got a small child who is afraid you won’t be there to collect them after school? – talk about the tide and how it goes out but always comes in again. Or a child who doubts their abilities and feels they are small and insignificant? – look at the acorn and talk about all that potential inside such a small thing.
I’m quite sure you can come up with much better metaphors than me, to get through to kids who won’t listen.
A few closing thoughts on how to get through to kids who won’t listen
So, to wrap up, approaches such as – using storytelling and metaphor in authentic ways and trusting our kids to find their own solutions – can really help get through to kids who won’t listen.
A good story time or movie night doesn’t just build bonds, but empowers kids to tackle their problems in their own unique ways.
It’s all about nurturing their emotional intelligence and creativity, to equip them with invaluable tools for navigating life’s twists and turns with resilience.
