Discover how your mindset impacts your kids’ potential! Dive into the growth vs. fixed mindset debate and learn actionable tips to nurture a resilient attitude in your children
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In the Victorian era, people loved flea circuses. (They clearly didn’t have Netflix!)
This popular fairground attraction saw the tiny performers carry out tricks, such as walking tightropes and spinning Ferris wheels.
Now as we all know, fleas can jump incredible heights – up to 100 times their own size. So, bemused spectators often asked- how do the fleas not escape?
Their handlers claimed it was because they were trained in a very specific way. They were placed in a shallow case with a lid. After jumping and bumping their heads on this new low ceiling for several hours, they would start to adapt their jumping height to a much lower level, to stop their headaches!
But here’s the really interesting thing – when the lid was later removed, they never, ever, again, attempted to jump higher. They had become conditioned and had taken on a new form of behaviour, known as learned helplessness.
It was bad news for the fleas. But what if we, unwittingly, are placing a ceiling like this on our children.
What if they are destined to reach great heights but our attitudes are stopping them from striving. And worse than that, what if our attitudes are causing them issues, such as stress, low self-esteem, and a lack of motivation and resilience.
What if there was a better mentality that could switch this around, but we just don’t know about it yet.
Well, it turns out there is…
The two mindsets
You see, in life, whether we are conscious of it or not, generally one of two mindsets prevails in our thinking.
One can set us up for success. The other can debilitate us and literally prevent us from reaching our goals or getting ahead. And just like a virus, whichever mindset we use, can be transmitted to our children without anyone being aware it’s even happening.
The good news is though, that if you’ve been using the wrong thinking, reversing the damage is as simple as making the switch. You just need to be aware of the two types of mindsets.
Wondering which mindset, you have? Well, let’s find out…
The preschool experiment
In the 1980’s, an interesting experiment was carried out on preschool kids.
American psychologist, Carol Dweck, took a group of children and gave them a task she knew would be slightly too difficult for them, just to watch how they would react. She was fascinated by the concept of why some people succeed while others don’t, and what we can learn from this. What she discovered from the preschool experiment was compelling.
She noticed how the children all fell into one of two groups. For one group, they felt their intelligence was being judged and they had failed. For them, this task was a complete catastrophe.
But for others, they seemed to understand that their abilities were something that could be developed. For this reason, they engaged in the task with curiosity and much more lightheartedly. Although this group couldn’t master the task either, they viewed it not as a failure but as an opportunity to learn and improve.
It was this observation that formed the essence of Dr Dweck’s growth mindset theory – that some people believe talents and intelligence are innate and fixed for life, while others believe that with effort and practice these things can be developed.
She found that we all generally adopt one of these two mindsets in life – the fixed or growth.
Cue the growth mindset vs the fixed mindset
In her book, Mindset – Changing The Way You think To Fulfil Your Potential, Dr Dweck explains that with fixed mindset thinking, people believe they are born with a certain amount of intelligence or certain skills and traits which are fixed and cannot be changed. This mindset is self-limiting for it stops them from believing in themselves or working to succeed.
The growth mindset, on the other hand, puts forward the idea that all of our skills, talents, potential and intellect can be improved if we put in hard work, effort and practice.
I love this concept because it puts us back in the driver’s seat of our life. It gives us control and we aren’t just left at the mercy of our genes, or past test scores, school reports, or what others have said about us. It helps children to realize that failing, doesn’t mean they are a failure. Rather, it means they are just on a learning curve and haven’t quite got there yet.
And as if all that isn’t good enough, the growth mindset also has a myriad of other benefits.
What are the benefits of a growth mindset for children?
The growth mindset is the strawberry of thought processes. It’s like a super food packed with all kinds of vitamins and nutrients to bolster the mental health of our children.
It benefits them in a variety of ways such as increased motivation, perseverance, and resilience, positive self-esteem, freedom from social comparison, increased creativity, and good outcomes. In fact the growth mindset benefits kids in so many ways that I’ve written a post specifically around that. You can check it out here.
With so many benefits on offer, you may well by now be asking – how can parents help their child develop a growth mindset?
Here’s five powerful ways…
How parents can help their child develop a growth mindset
As a play therapist and special needs assistant, I often see children struggling with low self esteem and lacking in confidence and resilience. I have also witnessed first hand, how helping them grasp the growth mindset creates an immediate improvement in their mental and emotional health. Here’s some of the ways I help them to learn about it in the play room.
1 Tell children inspiring stories
Incredibly, sharing stories is much more effective in helping children modify their behavior, than directly giving them good advice statements, like ‘don’t quit’.
You see, if we give a child (or even an adult for that matter) an instruction, their logic is hardwired to put up objections and reject it. There is a way round this though – our brains are wired to accept stories a lot differently than direct instructions.
It’s amazing – but weirdly, when you tell stories, you actually sneak past these defenses on the gate post of the logical brain and deposit so much good. When we are inspired by stories, the furniture in our brain gets rearranged and positive values are internalized.
For instance, I never recall my teacher giving advice like – ‘don’t give up’. But I clearly remember him telling the tale of Robert the Bruce. Defeated numerous times in battle, The Bruce had gone into hiding in a cave. Here in the midst of his troubles and ready to quit, his eye was drawn to a tiny spider struggling to spin a web. Many times it failed but kept trying, until finally, it succeeded. Inspired by it’s persistence, The Bruce followed suit, going back to battle and finally achieving victory. It’s funny to think how that little spider still drives my perseverance through tough times, possibly more than any kind of advice I have ever received.
It’s easy to find so many stories packed full of the growth mindset values, such as, patience, perseverance and hard work. They don’t even need to be from a movie or book. Perhaps you’ve had experiences in your own life like this, that you can share.
In this way we can help our children internalize positive growth mindset values.
2 Utilize the power of ‘yet’
The power of “yet” is like a secret weapon for kids, in building a growth mindset.
It’s all about adding the little word ‘yet’ to the defeatist comments we catch children saying. Like changing – “I can’t do this” into – “I can’t do this…yet!”
When we add ‘yet’ we take a definitive statement (where things are set in stone) and turn it into a fluid one, (where things can change and the chance of a different future outcome is possible, in spite of what may already have happened, up until now).
Adding that tiny word opens up a whole world of possibilities. That’s because it helps children understand that while they haven’t achieved their goal, they have potential to. They just need to keep trying.
When they face a tough problem or a new skill, instead of feeling defeated, they start to see it as a chance to learn and grow. “Yet” turns setbacks into stepping stones, showing them that with a bit of effort and practice, they can conquer anything. It’s a game-changer that helps kids bounce back stronger, believe in themselves, and tackle challenges with a can-do attitude.
3 Choose carefully how we praise children
Praising our children is a great thing to do. But did you know there are good ways and bad ways to do this?
If we tell a child they’ve done a great job, when they haven’t, this sets them up for low self-esteem. They may may perceive this exaggerated praise as patronizing. And if they believe that their work isn’t good themselves, inflated praise will only serve to make them feel bad.
So how do we encourage them?
Well, instead try to focus on praising the process. Praise the effort they have put in and the progress they have made rather than their ability or outcomes.
This again, helps them understand they are on a journey. It gives them honest feedback. This helps them understand that even if their work isn’t as good as they would like, it can still be improved with effort and persistence.
So instead of saying – “you’re so smart,” say – “you have worked really hard”.
4 Encourage children to embrace mistakes
Let’s face it – making mistakes feels unpleasant! We feel bad about ourselves, and we associate the failure with shame and embarrassment.
However, we need to learn to flip this thinking. We need to help our kids (and ourselves for that matter) to realize that mistakes aren’t the enemy. They are, in fact, learning opportunities.
So how can we help them embrace mistakes?
Well, first off, try encouraging them to take small risks, safe in the knowledge that mistakes are our friends. Things that challenge their physical and mental abilities are great for this. Climbing a tree, learning to ride a bicycle or musical instrument, or experimenting with new art mediums.
Another way is by letting them take decisions from time to time. Perhaps what to eat for lunch or what clothes to wear, and also letting them carry out age-appropriate responsibilities.
As parents we tend to rush in to protect our children from failure. But, at times when it’s safe to do so, try to curb this instinct. Let children take ownership of things and experience the freedom to try things out for themselves. Let them learn from their mistakes.
Helping our children to understand that mistakes aren’t a negative thing, but rather a part of the learning process, will release in them a freedom to explore, create, investigate, and grow.
5 Nurture a ‘can-do’ attitude with The Growth Mindset Workbook
A team of devoted dads got together with a desire to help kids learn how to unlock the power of the growth mindset. They came up with The Growth Mindset Workbook.
Through engaging activities and inspiring success stories, young ones learn the key messages of the growth mindset – that perfectionism isn’t always possible, that mistakes are opportunities to grow, and that we can take on just about anything with effort and persistence.
It teaches children how to train their brain to become problem solvers, dream big dreams and how to thrive in an ever-changing world.
Final thoughts on the growth mindset
In the whirlwind of parenting, it’s easy to forget that we, are like the blueprint for our kid’s attitudes and outlooks on life.
So, let’s make sure we’re building with the right materials! To ensure our mentality isn’t inadvertently harming our kids, let’s choose to gift them with the superpower of the growth mindset.
That way, we’re not just raising resilient kids. But we’re building a future where they can blossom to their fullest potential.
