When you have a child refusing to go to school, it can be hard to know what’s really going on. Explore what might be underneath school refusal, along with gentle, child-centered solutions inspired by play therapy to help you understand and support your child.
It’s a gut-wrenching feeling when you’ve got a child who doesn’t want to go to school.
What starts with a simple, “Come on, we’re going to be late,” can quickly turn into tears, tummy aches, arguing or a child desperately clinging to you and saying they don’t want to go.
And when it happens again and again, it can leave you feeling exhausted, worried and completely unsure what to do.
Should you be firmer?
Should you reassure them more?
Should you force them in? (And then feel worried and guilty all day?)
Should you let them stay home? (And still feel worried and guilty all day, anyway?)
And how do you know whether they’re simply not wanting to go or whether something is genuinely making school feel difficult for them?
In the heat of the chaos, it’s easy to become totally focused on the question of, ‘How on earth am I going to get them into school?’
But it’s important to remember that the refusal is rarely the whole story.
My training in play therapy has taught me that underneath children’s big behaviours often lie a whirlwind of emotions and struggles they can’t easily explain. So, school refusal doesn’t necessarily mean that a child is being difficult or defiant. Sometimes, it can be the only way a child can find to communicate that something about school is troubling them.
Learning to understand what started the school refusal, what might be keeping it going, and what’s really underneath it can help you begin to understand what your child needs.
But that’s easier said than done. Somehow when we try to get to the bottom of what’s going on, it becomes like a murky pond with no clear answers.
That’s because children often struggle to put into words what’s wrong. Sometimes they don’t really even understand it themselves. So when we ask them what’s upsetting them about school, we rarely get the full picture.
In this post, we’ll look at some of the things that may be making school feel difficult for your child, and some gentle, child-centred ways you can support them while working alongside school to understand what’s going on.
It might be helpful to note that the ideas in this post are mainly aimed at younger school-aged children, roughly ages 5–11 (primary/elementary school age). While some of the ideas may also be helpful for older children, school refusal can look different in teenagers and may need a different approach.
In This Post
Often what children are feeling underneath the behavior isn’t immediately obvious…
What Is Emotionally Based School Avoidance?
School refusal, sometimes referred to as emotionally based school avoidance (EBSA), describes a pattern where a child finds it difficult to attend or stay in school because they are experiencing significant emotional distress.
And if it’s something your family is experiencing, you’re certainly not alone.
Research shows that school absence has remained much higher since the pandemic, and emotionally based school avoidance is recognised as one factor contributing to this increase.
So if getting your child into school has become a daily struggle, it doesn’t mean you’re the only family dealing with this or that you’ve somehow got it wrong. There are many children and families trying to understand the same difficult pattern.
Why is My Child Refusing to Go to School
School refusal rarely has one simple cause. Often, it is something your child is struggling with, something about the school environment itself, or a combination of things making school feel difficult.
However, because children often struggle to verbalise their feelings and worries, it’s not uncommon for them to genuinely be unable to tell you exactly why they don’t want to go. At times like these, it can help to become a bit of a detective. You may need to piece together clues from what they say, how they behave, what you notice happening around school and conversations with others involved with the child.
Here are some of the main reasons children may refuse school…
Your Child May Be Struggling With Something
Anxiety and worry are common reasons children struggle to attend school, although there can be many other reasons too.
• Separation anxiety — particular difficulty separating from a parent or caregiver. Home is safe and predictable; school feels like a massive gap in connection.
• Transitions — moving from the safety and predictability of home into the demands of school feels overwhelming.
• School anxiety and generalised anxiety — school anxiety can show up in lots of different ways. Your child may worry about what might happen at school, making mistakes, answering out loud, being judged, strict rules, or simply not feeling confident.
• Social anxiety — finding friendships, social situations or being around other children difficult.
• Panic or intense fear — where the thought of school triggers a very strong physical or emotional response. Sometimes, children can then become frightened by the physical sensations themselves, as well as whatever is making school feel difficult.
• Depression or low mood — loss of motivation, withdrawal or feeling unable to cope.
• Academic difficulties — struggling with reading, writing, maths, processing information or keeping up with the demands of the classroom.
• Neurodivergent differences — ADHD or autism can sometimes make aspects of school more demanding, particularly sensory, social, organisational or transition-related demands. Some children may also spend a lot of energy masking autistic traits or trying to fit in, which can make the school day particularly exhausting.
• Avoiding something that feels difficult — sometimes a child may be trying to escape a situation that feels embarrassing, frustrating, overwhelming or beyond their current coping capacity.
• Performance pressure – some children can begin to feel, or be made to feel, that their academic performance is a measure of their worth. They may worry about getting things wrong, being judged or disappointing others, making school feel increasingly difficult to face.
Something About School May Be Making Things Hard
These are areas where the school should be able to work with you to find solutions.
• Friendship difficulties or bullying – struggling to make friends, falling out with others, feeling left out or being bullied can make the school day feel lonely, stressful and difficult to face. Children often don’t mention these things so it’s worth asking directly if anyone at school has been unkind, teased them or left them out.
• Lack of appropriate support for learning difficulties – if a child is struggling with areas of learning, it’s worth considering whether these difficulties have been identified and whether they are getting the support they need. They may need differentiated work, an IEP or additional classroom support to help them learn at a level that feels manageable. It may even be something as simple as a change of seat to the front of the class to help them see or hear better. When children are struggling without the right support in place, school can quickly become frustrating, exhausting and overwhelming.
• Teacher relationships – sometimes the difficulty may be linked to a teaching style, teacher or other member of staff that your child finds stressful or difficult to manage. They may be feeling judged, misunderstood or frequently corrected. It’s important to ensure that your child has at least one adult at school they feel comfortable going to if they are worried.
• Sensory overload at school – Busy or unpredictable environments such as noisy classrooms, crowded corridors, bright lights, lots of activity or not knowing what is going to happen next can feel overwhelming for some children. These can easily push a sensitive child’s nervous system into fight-or-flight before the first bell even rings.
• Transitions or changes to routine Moving between lessons, changing classrooms, having a different teacher or coping with unexpected changes can be difficult for children who rely on predictability and routine.
Many of the things children are learning to cope with can be difficult…
And when they can’t easily put into words or explain what they’re experiencing, those feelings and pressures can build up until they feel overwhelming.
How Can I Help My Child Who Refuses to Go to School?
When your child is refusing to go to school, it can be incredibly stressful for everyone. You may find yourself wondering what you should say, what you should do and whether you’re dealing with it in the right way.
If you’re wondering how best to handle school refusal, here are some of my child-centered therapeutic gems.
Most are based on the guiding principles used in child-centered play therapy, but they can be helpful in lots of situations where a child is struggling emotionally.
Reflect their feelings
It might feel like the opposite of what you should be doing, but try to pause before jumping in to fix things. Before trying to persuade, reassure or problem-solve, let your child know that you can see how hard this feels.
Look into their little eyes and reflect something of the struggle they are facing. You might say, “You really don’t want to go today. It feels hard, doesn’t it?” or “I can see that you’re worried about going into school.”
When children know that their feelings are understood and accepted, it can help them feel safer, more settled and less alone in it.
Simply reflecting feelings in itself, though, is still unlikely to get them into school, so the next bit is equally important…
Hold the boundary while offering choices
Sometimes being child-centred means holding a boundary while giving your child some control over how they manage it.
You might say:
“I know this feels really hard today. But school is something children need to attend. So, you can choose how we get to the door. You can choose to walk with me or you can choose to race me there? Which do you choose?”
Or perhaps:
“You can choose to hold my hand or you can choose carry your bag yourself. Which do you choose?”
Small choices like these won’t solve the reason your child is struggling with school, but they can give them a little sense of control when everything else feels overwhelming.
Be mindful of avoidance
When school feels frightening or overwhelming, staying home can bring immediate relief.
That relief, though, can sometimes make avoiding school feel like the safest option next time. In this way, avoidance can unintentionally reinforce the anxiety and make it harder to face school the next time.
It’s important to remember that being child-centered doesn’t mean allowing your child to avoid every situation that feels uncomfortable. Sometimes children need support to face something that feels difficult, rather than having the difficult thing removed altogether, so they can gradually build their sense of capability and confidence.
This doesn’t mean you should simply force your child into school either though, particularly if something genuinely doesn’t feel right. Instead, it means becoming curious about what is making school feel so difficult and working with your child and therir school to find ways of supporting them through it.
Be mindful of your own feelings
School refusal can bring up a lot of anxiety for parents too. And that’s completely understandable.
Try to give yourself space to acknowledge your own worries while also showing your child that you believe they can be supported through this.
You don’t need to pretend everything is fine. You can simply offer the message: “I know this is hard, and we’ll work through it together.”
Help them understand what anxiety feels like
Sometimes anxiety can feel frightening simply because children don’t understand what is happening in their bodies.
I’ve often noticed how physical feelings can feel overwhelming for children. A racing heart, shaking or upset tummy can feel like something is terribly wrong when you don’t yet understand that your body can respond this way when you’re worried.
Helping children recognise these physical sensations as possible signs of anxiety can make them feel a little less mysterious and overwhelming.
This is something you could explore together using the free Crazy Beautiful Emotional Toolkit, which includes simple printouts to help children notice their emotions, recognise how feelings can show up in their bodies and explore the intensity of those feelings.
Make space for child-led play
One of the things I love about child-led play is the opportunity it gives children to process difficult experiences and worries.
A child won’t necessarily sit down and tell us, “I’m worried about school,” but they may well work through it in play. And if we pay attention to the themes in their play, we may get little glimpses into what they’re trying to make sense of.
You don’t need to direct the play or ask lots of questions. Simply making time for your child to play in their own way can give you little glimpses into what may be going on underneath. Drawing, small-world play, role play, playdough or other sensory activities can all provide opportunities for children to express and explore difficult feelings.
If you’d like to explore using child-led play further, you might like my post on Why Play Matters Way More Than You Think.
Look for the clues
Pay attention to when the school refusal happens.
Is it worse on certain days? Before particular lessons? After friendship difficulties? When there’s a change to the usual routine?
Or where in the school day is it happening? Is it getting dressed that causes the biggest reaction? Leaving home? Saying goodbye? Walking through the school gates? A particular lesson? Lunchtime?
Your child may not be able to tell you exactly what is wrong, but sometimes noticing the pattern of their behaviour can give little clues about what they are finding difficult.
Work with school
You don’t have to solve this on your own.
Talking to your child’s teacher or school pastoral team can help you build a clearer picture of what is happening during the school day.
Together, you might explore whether your child needs support with friendships, learning, sensory overwhelm, transitions or something else that is making school feel difficult.
• Bullying needs to be investigated and addressed
• Academic difficulties may need additional support
• Sensory difficulties may need reasonable adjustments, such as a calm corner
• Transitions may need to be made more predictable
• A trusted adult may help
• A gradual, supported return may be appropriate for some children
• Regular communication between home and school can help everyone understand what is happening.
When Should I Seek Extra Help?
If your child’s school refusal is is becoming persistent, getting worse or significantly affecting their everyday life, learning, friendships or family life, it may be time to seek some extra support.
You could start by talking to your child’s school, GP, child mental health professional or another appropriate healthcare provider. You don’t have to wait until things have reached crisis point before asking for help.
Closing Thoughts
When your child is refusing to go to school, it can be easy to become focused on getting them through the school gates.
But sometimes the most helpful place to start is by looking beneath the refusal and becoming curious about what your child may be struggling with.
You don’t need to have all the answers straight away. Listen, notice the clues, take their feelings seriously and work alongside your child and their school to understand what might be making things difficult.
And remember, you don’t have to work it all out on your own. If school refusal is becoming a regular struggle, reaching out for support can help you and your child understand what’s going on and find a way forward together.
If you’d like more simple, real-life ways to support your child’s emotions, I share ideas, insights, and tools like this regularly. You can join below and I’ll send them straight to your inbox.
You Might Also Find Helpful…
Understanding Your Child:
Why Kids Can’t Tell You What They’re Feeling — And How They Show You Instead
What Is Your Child’s Behavior Really Trying To Tell You?
Discover the Power of Play:
Why Play Matters Way More Than You Think
How Different Types Of Play Support Your Child’s Emotional World
What Your Child’s Play Might Be Trying To Tell You
21 Powerful Play Therapy Techniques Parents Can Use at home
Build More Emotional Skills:
Why Does My Child Melt Down After School?
Why Does My Child Bottle Up Their Feelings?
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