Why is my child telling lies? From wishful thinking to worries about getting into trouble, discover what might be underneath your child’s behaviour and how to respond with curiosity, compassion and clear boundaries.
A while back, a child came bounding up to me with some exciting news.
The children were all settling back into a new school year, and there was lots of excited chatter about what everyone had been up to over the summer.
And this little girl had a story to tell too – she was just back from holiday. And not just any holiday, either. She’d been on a world cruise.
A distant relative had arrived on her doorstep on Friday evening. They’d sailed off together, explored many exotic countries and arrived back just in time for school on Monday morning.
As the story went on, I found myself doing the maths…
A world cruise? In a weekend?
Now that would be some itinerary!
Of course, I knew that what she was telling me couldn’t possibly be true. And knowing a little about her circumstances, I also knew that an overseas holiday was probably not something she had experienced.
So, I wondered, should I point out to her that I knew she was telling me a lie? After all, I didn’t want her to learn to be dishonest or think lying was acceptable.
But I didn’t. Instead, I simply listened.
There was something about the story and the way she was telling it that made me wonder if there was more going on here than simply a child telling a lie.
At the time, I couldn’t quite put my finger on why I instinctively held back.
But now, looking back, my Child-Centred Play Therapy training has given me a framework for understanding that instinct.
You see, children’s behaviour can give us little clues about what might be happening underneath.
And sometimes, a story that isn’t factually true can still give us a little glimpse into a child’s emotional world.
Now we don’t need to decipher exactly what the behaviour or lie means. I can’t know for certain exactly what was happening for this little girl, and I certainly wouldn’t pretend to.
But when we become curious, we can start to notice the possibilities.
Perhaps she was longing for the kind of holiday her classmates were talking about. Perhaps she felt embarrassed that others had experiences that she hadn’t. Perhaps she was experimenting with an exciting version of herself for a little while.
Or perhaps it was something else entirely.
But while there was a lot I didn’t know, there was one thing I felt in my heart: this was a child who was hurting. I didn’t see a child who was evil or deceitful. I saw a child who was most likely struggling with something she didn’t know how to deal with.
And that’s the important part…
Rather than immediately asking, “How do I stop my child lying?”, what if we sometimes paused to ask:
“What might be going on underneath this story?”
In this post, we’ll explore some of the reasons why children tell lies and make up stories, what might be behind the behaviour, and how we can respond in child-centred ways that encourage honesty while still taking our child’s emotional world seriously.
In This Post…
Often what children are feeling underneath the behaviour isn’t immediately obvious…
Why Do Children Tell Lies and Make Up Stories?
Often when a child tells us something that isn’t true, our first reaction can be to focus on the lie itself.
Why are they lying?
Can I trust them?
Do I need to deal with this before it becomes a bigger problem?
And perhaps most importantly: What does this say about my child?
It can be very easy to move quickly from “My child has told a lie” to “My child is becoming a liar.”
But what if we paused before making that leap?
When we shift our focus from the lie to understanding the child behind it, our whole perspective can change.
Here are some of the most common reasons children tell lies…
They’re using their imagination
Children have wonderfully active imaginations, and sometimes they tell us things that aren’t true simply because they are enjoying the story.
For younger children, imagination and reality can sit very close together. They’re still learning to distinguish between what is real and what’s imagined.
Sometimes they’re experimenting with ideas, enjoying the reaction their story creates or simply seeing where their imagination takes them. So the best response may be to join them in the fun:
“Wow! Tell me all about this dinosaur in the garden!”
Not every story needs to be corrected.
They’re wishing something were true
Sometimes children tell us something because they wish it were true.
Their story may be a way of imagining themselves having the experience they long for, or of expressing a deeper longing for something missing in their lives. Sometimes, that longing may be connected to painful experiences, grief or loss that they are still trying to make sense of.
It can be worth wondering whether the story gives us a little clue about a child’s wishes, desires or unmet needs, rather than focusing only on the fact that it isn’t true.
They want to fit in
Children may also tell stories that aren’t true because they want to feel that they belong.
They might exaggerate their achievements, claim to have things they don’t have or tell stories that make their life sound a little more exciting, to impress others or gain approval.
Sometimes, underneath these stories is a child who wants to feel special, interesting or good enough.
Perhaps they’re comparing themselves with others or worrying that their own experiences aren’t quite as impressive. Making things sound bigger or better may give them a temporary boost or help them feel that they measure up.
Underneath the story might be a very ordinary childhood need:
“I want to be part of this.”
“I want you to think I’m interesting too.”
“I want to feel good about myself.”
They’re trying to avoid getting into trouble
Sometimes a child knows they’ve done something they shouldn’t have done, and it feels easier to deny it.
“Did you eat the biscuits?”
“No.”
Even when the crumbs are still around their mouth!
Children may lie because they are worried about what will happen if they tell the truth. They may be trying to avoid a consequence, disappointment or an angry reaction.
This is where it can be tempting to focus entirely on getting the truth out of them.
But alongside holding a clear boundary around what happened, it can also be helpful to think about what your child is afraid might happen if they are honest.
Understanding this doesn’t mean removing every consequence or pretending the behaviour didn’t happen. It simply gives us more information about what might be happening underneath the lie.
They’re protecting themselves from shame or embarrassment
Sometimes children don’t tell the truth because the truth feels uncomfortable.
They may have made a mistake, forgotten something, struggled with a task or done something they think will make them look silly.
Saying something that isn’t true can become a way of protecting themselves from that uncomfortable feeling.
A child who says, “I didn’t get any answers wrong,” when they actually struggled with their work may not simply be trying to deceive you.
They may be worried that you will be disappointed in them, or already feel disappointed in themselves.
What looks like dishonesty can sometimes be tangled up with shame, fear or a need to feel good enough.
They’re looking for connection
Children sometimes tell elaborate stories because they discover that stories get people talking to them.
A particularly outrageous tale might make everyone laugh, ask questions or gather around.
That doesn’t necessarily mean a child is being deliberately manipulative – they’ve simply discovered that this is a way of getting connection.
Perhaps they enjoy having your attention.
Or perhaps they’re trying to find a way into a conversation where they don’t otherwise know what to say.
Again, the behaviour gives us a clue, but it doesn’t tell us the whole story.
They’re testing boundaries
Children are also learning about rules, boundaries and how the world works.
When they start to realize that other people don’t know what they are thinking, they’ll sometimes tell you something they know isn’t true simply to see what happens.
Will Mum believe me?
What happens if I say this?
How much can I get away with?
This is part of learning about relationships and boundaries.
It doesn’t mean you need to let the lie go. Children still need clear limits and help to understand that honesty matters.
But a calm response can teach much more than immediately labelling them as “a liar.”
They’re struggling with big feelings
Not every lie is a ‘white lie,’ or harmless or playful.
Sometimes children say things that are unkind, hurtful or deliberately designed to upset someone else.
This can be because they are struggling with feelings that feel too big to manage: they may be angry, jealous, hurt, or insecure.
Perhaps a child tells a friend that another child said something horrible about them. Perhaps they make up a story because they’re jealous of someone else. Or perhaps they say something untrue in the heat of an argument because they want someone else to feel as bad as they do.
We still need to take the behaviour seriously, particularly when another child has been hurt by it.
But rather than stopping at “That was a horrible thing to do,” it can also be worth wondering:
What feeling was driving this?
Sometimes a hurtful lie is less about wanting to be cruel and more about a child struggling to manage a difficult emotion.
That doesn’t make the behaviour okay. But understanding what might be underneath it can help us respond to both the behaviour that needs addressing and the child who needs help managing the feeling behind it
They’re struggling to put something into words
Sometimes, a story that isn’t true may be connected to something a child is struggling to express directly.
Children don’t always have the words to explain complicated feelings or experiences. They may not even fully understand what they’re feeling themselves.
So sometimes we might hear a story that seems strange, exaggerated or completely made up, and it leaves us wondering where on earth it came from.
Rather than assuming there must be a hidden meaning, we can simply become curious.
Is there something happening in your child’s world that they are finding difficult?
Is the story connected to something they are worried about, wishing for or trying to understand?
We may never know for certain.
And that’s okay.
The aim isn’t to become experts at decoding every story our children tell us. It’s to become a little more willing to look beyond the behaviour and notice the clues.
Because sometimes, the story isn’t really the whole story.
What to Do When Your Child Is Telling Lies
When your child tells a lie, how you respond can help them feel understood while still learning the importance of honesty.
Here are a few child-centred ways to respond.
Reflect the feeling underneath the lie
Rather than focusing only on whether your child is telling the truth, try naming the feeling you think might be going on underneath.
This can help your child feel safe, heard and understood. Over time, it may also help develop greater self-awareness and emotional understanding.
If your child tells you, “I’ve got loads of friends at school,” when you know they’ve been struggling socially, you might say:
“It sounds like having lots of friends is really important to you.”
Or if they insist they didn’t spill the paint, even though you saw them do it, you could try:
Instead of: “Why did you lie and say you didn’t spill the paint? You’re in trouble.”
Try: “You’re worried I’ll be upset and you really don’t want me to be cross with you. It’s not easy to talk about mistakes.”
You’re not telling your child that you know exactly what they’re feeling. You’re simply offering a gentle reflection of what might be underneath the story.
They may agree, correct you or say nothing at all.
And that’s okay.
The aim isn’t to uncover the hidden meaning behind every lie. It’s simply to let your child know that you’re interested in what’s going on for them, as well as what actually happened.
Stick to the facts without accusing
If you know your child hasn’t told you the truth, try calmly stating what you’ve noticed rather than accusing them of lying or demanding an explanation.
For example, if your child insists they haven’t been drawing on the wall, but you can see the crayon marks and the crayons beside them, you might say:
“I can see crayon marks on the wall, and your crayons are here beside you. We need to work out how to clean this up.”
You’re acknowledging what has happened without turning it into a battle or interrogation over whether your child is telling the truth.
When a children feel they aren’t being trapped or cornered, they may find it easier to step away from defensiveness and acknowledge what has happened. A calm, factual response gives them room to do that without feeling they have to defend themselves.
This doesn’t mean pretending you believe something you know isn’t true. It simply means keeping your response calm and factual, while being clear about what needs to happen next.
Set limits while staying connected
Being curious about what’s underneath a lie doesn’t mean ignoring what’s happened or letting hurtful behaviour go unaddressed.
Children still need clear, consistent boundaries. We can acknowledge their feelings while making it clear that some behaviours are not okay.
For example, if your child tells a friend something untrue to upset them, you might say:
“I can see you were really angry with Sam and wanted to hurt his feelings. It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to use untrue stories to hurt someone. You can tell Sam you’re angry, or we can think together about how to put things right.”
This approach helps children understand that their feelings are acceptable, even when their behaviour isn’t. It also gives them an opportunity to take responsibility, repair relationships and begin to find different ways of expressing difficult feelings.
The aim isn’t to shame your child or make them feel like a bad person. It’s to help them understand the impact of their behaviour, while knowing that your connection with them remains intact.
We can accept our children’s feelings without accepting every behaviour that comes from them. Compassion and boundaries can go hand in hand.
Make space for connection through play
Sometimes, children find it difficult to put their feelings into words. Making time for child-led play can offer another way to nurture your connection, without the pressure of questions or conversations.
When you follow your child’s lead in play, you’re giving them time and space to explore their world while experiencing your interest and attention. You’re not trying to uncover the reason behind a particular behaviour. You’re simply making room for connection.
Find out more about the importance of play in children’s emotional lives and why play matters here.
Helping Your Child Explore Their Feelings
When we look beneath a child’s behaviour, we sometimes find feelings they don’t yet know how to put into words. Helping children explore those feelings can give them other ways to express themselves, rather than relying on behaviour to do the communicating.
The free Crazy Beautiful Emotional Toolkit offers practical, child-friendly ways to explore emotions together. It includes emotional check-in worksheets, a feelings wheel, emotion cards, an emotion body map, an emotions thermometer activity, a calming body scan script, a colouring page and a guide to special playtime with your child.
These resources offer different ways to help children explore their feelings, discover calming strategies and build connection with you through play.
Closing Thoughts: Why Children Tell Lies
Perhaps the next time you discover your child hasn’t told you the truth, you might pause for a moment before reacting.
Not to ignore the lie or excuse what has happened, but to wonder what might be going on underneath it.
Because when we look beyond the lie and see the child behind it, we create opportunities for understanding, connection and growth.
Our children don’t need us to get it right every time. They need to know that even when things go wrong, we can work through them together
If you’d like more simple, real-life ways to support your child’s emotions, I share ideas, insights, and tools like this regularly. You can join below and I’ll send them straight to your inbox.
You Might Also Find Helpful…
Understanding Your Child:
Why Kids Can’t Tell You What They’re Feeling — And How They Show You Instead
What Is Your Child’s Behaviour Really Trying To Tell You?
Discover the Power of Play:
Why Play Matters Way More Than You Think
21 Powerful Play Therapy Techniques Parents Can Use at home
Build More Emotional Skills:
21 Fascinating Facts About Emotions for Kids
How To Do The Feelings Hotel: A Creative Emotional Check-In for Kids
Pin to Read Later…
Image credit: Photo by nullplus from Getty Images Signature via Canava
Don’t Miss a Thing…
Want to stay up to date? Sign up for the ‘Surviving the Crazy Beautiful’ newsletter here. Or join our communities on Pinterest or Facebook for the latest tips and support.
